And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”

Read Matt 14:27-32 for more context.

For the last few years this text has been very fascinating to me. And yet again today it strikes me deep in my heart. Peter asked Jesus to call him out of the boat …

And when Jesus calls, he steps out and he does the impossible.

But suddenly he realizes he’s in the very midst of the storm, he gets scared, he loses faith and doubts.

How I long to have the faith like Peter… and the desire, to want to be with Jesus so badly, that I’m willing to ask him to call me out of the boat. ..Just so that I can be with my Lord in the midst of the storm.

And yet…

And yet, I find myself able to relate to Peter in the fact that in the process of doing the hard miraculous things, I doubt my faith in his ability to keep me safe.

I sin. I sink. But I cry to Jesus to save me, forgive me! And immediately He saves me!!! There is the gentle rebuke, “oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

And it leads me to worship and thanksgiving.

The more I ponder this, I realize the “storm” for me is the daily dying to self in order to love my children well.

In this season, for me, the boat represents self-protection. But after a few days of pondering, I realized the boat is a false sense of safety! Jesus is a Sure Foundation, a mighty Fortress (Ps 18:2) and in a storm which is safer, a rocking boat or a fortress?

It was an awakening moment for me.

I have seven children.

Pretty sure everyone who follows me here already knows that. (Took four mothers to make that happen.) But really it was God, using a non-Christian organization, to bring our family together. 

All that to say, I truly believe that this is the family God has for me. I do not question whether or not I am supposed to be a mother to these children. I have never question whether these children should have ever come. But I have a question my ability to love them well. I have questioned what does it look like to love these children like Jesus wants me to. To be clear, setting boundaries is not a problem for me. I am very quick to say- I need space, 10 minutes of mandatory table time, you can do it yourself, you will take quiet time, Etc. 

Rather, my struggle is a not allowing myself to be a servant to the ones that Jesus called me to serve. To humble myself, to give up “my time” and “my space”. To give up what I would like to call “my rights”. 
This is dying to myself, this is sanctification, this is not done without the help of the Holy Spirit… can I get an amen?! 
Yesterday I looked for ways to love well, to die to myself, throughout my day.  Because it encourages my is my spirit when I can look back at the end of the day and see what God did through me, despite myself. 

Yesterday I read a book to a fussy child when I wanted to be busy in the kitchen. I stopped in the middle of unloading my dishwasher and danced with a child who asked me to. Again I read a book to end a squabble when I wanted to be sorting laundry. I went on a walk when I wanted to be getting my living room cleaned up.

It might not sound like much, but they were wins for me. When I want to read, dance and play- it’s easy. When it’s on my timetable, it’s easy to be a gentle loving mommy. But these moments listed above were during times of “I just want to get my work done, I want to be left alone.” Yeah, right there, that’s the attitude that needs sanctified. Remember I already said I do put boundaries in place, my children must take quiet time every day. There are mandatory “outdoor play” times. I have a helper twice a week…I get plenty of time alone. I’m not a doormat that my children run all over in unhealthy ways.

So for me, the right thing is to meet the needs of my children. Sometimes those needs are emotional needs and they need just me to be present and engaged, like dancing and reading books. 

I want to be a mom who my kids can come to and I won’t shush them away. But it’s really hard because I’m task driven woman.  (with seven kids there’s a time and place for that, don’t get me wrong.)

But I also want to be a gentle and loving mother who sees the needs of my children and is willing to put aside my schedule and my timetable to meet a need. I want to be like Jesus. He was grieving the loss of a dear friend, he went to the wilderness to grieve…and the needy crowds of people followed him! And I sit on the edge of my chair to see how he responds. . . 

“I need some time to grieve, please leave me alone. I’ll be available in a few hours …” 
Ha, No. Rather the Bible says he had compassion on them. Bingo. That’s the kicker to any busy, Jesus-loving, momma. I often pray for this kind of compassion! 

Yes, I believe in refreshing my spirit- Jesus went to the wilderness (and fasted) for 40 days. There were times he said no to the crowds. But during his time of “refreshing himself” what was he doing? He was connecting deeply with His Father in Heaven.

 So today, I’m thankful for the ways that I see him working. I’m thankful that I’m on the trajectory of becoming the woman he wants me to be. I’m thankful for the forgiveness and love and my precious children. I’m thankful that he gave all these children to me despite the effort and time that goes into raising them. I’m thankful for the many people that he has brought alongside of us in this parenting journey. I’m thankful for the prayers of the Saints on behalf of our family. I’m thankful that God is a God of redemption and that even my mistakes can be used by him.

This is not about me being the perfect parent, but rather me being willing to hear his voice and calling on him and asking to partner with him as I parent during the day.

The post Call me out of the boat… appeared first on christistonerphotography.com.